Suffering

Today has been hard, this entire week has been hell. I cried more than I smiled and I sit here exhausted. Exhausted from grieving the daughter that I should be bringing home from the hospital this weekend. Exhausted from trying to fake a smile daily, when on the inside I’m torn completely apart. Exhausted because I am always giving my all to others and not taking the time to give to myself. Each day it takes all of my strength to rise above and seize the day, because in all honesty, all I want to do is lay in my bed and hide away from the world.

Today, I feel robbed. I should be packing my hospital bag, stocking the nursery, and giving my son, River, the big brother pep talk. I should be checking the car seat and washing all the newborn clothes. I should be dreaming of the moment that River would meet his little sister for the first time and my heart would be completely whole in that moment. I should be having terrible back pains and heartburn and wishing to go into labor to get some relief. Instead, I am here wishing that I can feel those kicks, hear that heartbeat, and console my daughter while she gives that cry that I am also dying to hear. This feeling, plain and simple, fucking sucks. I want to scream, yell, and throw River’s toys with him in anger. This is not fair. Why us, why Millie, why did this have to happen? This weekend instead of bringing my daughter home to begin her life with her family, I will be visiting her grave instead. Why do we not get that moment of becoming a family of four? Why doesn’t River get to hold and love on his baby sister and be her biggest protector? I am angry today because all I can fathom is the pain from this and ask why. Even though I am an emotional mess today, I am praying to God as I write these thoughts to help me through, because even though I am suffering, he will provide joy in the morning as he always does.

Even though this has been an extremely crappy day, I am thankful. I am thankful for these moments because it calls me back to God. It calls me back to rely on my faith and to trust his plan always. Even though this grief hits me like a wave and at the most unpredictable moments, I know that God always has my best interest. He always has his best interest set for his children. I am his child and I know he loves me unconditionally. So today, I am rejoicing in my suffering. This weekend, we may not be able to bring our sweet Millie home, but we will celebrate her life and continue to make her proud each and every day. It was so therapeutic to speak of her this week and to share our story in a different social media light. I prayed to her to give me strength during the interview while speaking of her and she had my back tremendously. I will always look to her when I need a wave of hope and a reminder that she is living her best life in heaven. A life that is pain free, a life without worry, a life without the craziness of the world today, and a life with our God. Millie, I love you with everything I have and please watch over us in all our days. As each day passes we are one more day closer to being reunited with you and oh how special will that day be. 💜

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.

– Romans 5:3-4