It was Friday, October 27, 2017 at 1:15 P.M. when my contractions became intense and labor was getting hard. Our room was filled with our closet family members as we awaited the arrival of our second born, Millie Raelynn. This waiting was different. This waiting was filled with shattered hearts and wounded souls as we would welcome our sweet girl into the world sleeping.
What people do not realize about a stillbirth is that it is STILL a birth. I labored for hours, had strong contractions that took my breath away, received an epidural to relieve the pain, and dilated each hour until it was the final time to push. The difference is during a stillbirth, you are completely and utterly broken. You are in so much pain physically and mentally and nothing can erase the heartache you are going through. Before losing Millie, I can remember hearing stories about women having to endure a stillbirth and thinking how incredibly strong and admirable these women were. I thought to myself, I don’t think I could handle the experience, I don’t think I could be that strong, but then it became my reality and being strong was the only choice I had to choose.
As the day went on, my emotions grew stronger. I began day dreaming about how my sweet Millie would look, how she would feel, and how it would be to hold an angel in my arms. As 4:00 P.M. approached, it was officially time to push. We were supported by our amazing doctor and nurse who were a godsend for us and Millie. As I breathed through the contractions and pushed with all my might, at 4:12 P.M. our beautiful 1.4 lb angel arrived. She tiptoed into our world without a cry, without a sound, and in complete silence, but her life speaks volumes of love. Uncontrollable tears began to flow as Brad and I met our daughter and held our angel in our arms for the first and last time. We held on to her for hours. I studied her face and her sweet features and embedded them in my mind as memories to hold on to for a lifetime. I did not want to let her go, but she belonged to our God now and she would forever live in our hearts.
My arms are special. They held one of God’s angels that he handpicked from earth to live for an eternity with him. He gave Millie 27 weeks to make one of the biggest impacts I have ever witnessed a life make in this lifetime. I am so honored to have such a special daughter and am blessed to be her mother. Happy 1st heavenly birthday baby girl, I will always chase butterflies and believe in angels because of you.
“Some people only dream of angels, but we held one in our arms.”